Liveblogging the SOTU. Awww Yeah!

9:06 Madame Speaker, yadda yadda yadda. Much handshaking and sucking up ensues. Didn’t get to check out Michelle’s outfit because I was mariating some tequila lime chicken for dinner. Should be pretty tasty in 70 minutes or so!

9:09 Finally made it up on the dais. Shakes Joe’s hand and bows head slightly to Pelosi, you know, because she’s a lady. Sure the teabaggers are going to go nuts about how he’s always bowing down to people.

9:10 Pelosi introduces Obama. Because otherwise we wouldn’t know who he is. Lots of thank yous and waving.

9:12 Omaha Beach? I thought Nebraska was landlocked? Haw haw!

9:14 Shout out to the whole “I took over this mess. Dang, this computer is slow.

9:15 Call to bipartisanship to overome “numbing weight” of their differences.

9:17 “I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight.” Really, dude? Because I woulda thought you’d been more hopeful on election day. Or 1/20/09, maybe?

9:18 What unites Dems and GOP? We all hated the bank bail outs. Um, so why did you bastards do it?

9:17 I have never

9:21 Lists all the people they cut taxes for. Bitches he didn’t get applause. Shot of GOP dudes grudgingly clapping. Husband bitches that he hasn’t seen HIS taxes go down.

9:23 Talking about the businesses that benefit from the Recovery Act.

9:24 People who send out resumes week after week and hear nothing in response… Oh wow, my very own shout out!

9:25 Calls for a jobs bill. Gives props to business for being engine of recovery. Everybody claps. Gives props to small businesses and entrepreneurs taking a chance on a dream. wow, TWO shout outs, just for me… how DREAMY!

9:26 Let’s take the $30 billion the bailout banks returned and give it to community banks

9:27 Infrastructure of tomorrow. Shout out to the fastest trains and how he’s coming to Tampa tomorrow. For once Tampa isn’t the punchline in a sitcom or the place where the unsub on Criminal Minds is from!

9:29 Let’s not give tax breaks to companies that ship jobs overseas and give them to companies that keep jobs in America. Lots of clapping and a little booing? WTF???

9:31 Good stuff about how long should we wait to fix shit and about how India and China don’t wait and he won’t accept second place for the US of A. everybody claps. That’s another thing the dems and GOP can agree on — let’s kick India and china’s ass.

9:32 Serious financial reform. Here we go. Not interested in punishing banks. But we can’t allow them to take risks that threaten the entire economy. Threatens to veto the bill if it’s crappy. SMACKDOWN!!!

9:35 Nuclear energy? Offshore drilling? Dude, the base! You’re angering the base!!!! Also, no such thing as clean coal, btw. It’s like jumbo shrimp.

9:37 Talking about passing an energy bill and thanks the house. “I know there are those who disagree with the overwhelming evidence of climate change,” he smirks. He’s THISCLOSE to a giggle as a couple of peeps boo. PRICELESS!

9:38 Went to rewind a little and went back to the CNN pregame show. WTF? This is a disaster. I’m switching channels!Doube our exports… OMG what did I miss? What did I miss??? I AM A FAILURE AT LIVEBLOGGING!!! Handing the remote over to husband. Fix this mess, baby!

9:43 OK. National export initiative. Can’t lose the chance to create jobs on our shores. Got it. Thanks baby, for your remote control prowess! everybody go follow @jkallweit on Twitter. He is THE MAN!9:44 We need to invest in the skills and education of our people. Invest in reform that rewards student achievement. Best anti-poverty program is a world class education. Unless you have a BS in Marketing. then you work in retail for less than nine bucks an hour and you struggle to pay your mortgage.

9:46 Give families a $10,00 tax credit for four years of college and end bank subsidies on college loans. And forgive college loans after 20 years. People pay those loans for more than 20 years??? Holy crap! That cannot POSSIBLY be worth it!

9:48 Step up refinancing so homeowners can have more affordable mortgages. And that is why we need health insurance reform. Um, non sequitir much. Not that I disagree, but, dang!

9:49 He’s all borderline giggly as they clap (and boo) in the gallery. What an instigator!

9:50 Shout out to the First Lady. She’s tackling childhood obesity. Your signature project is fat kids? Nancy Reagan went on Diffrent Strokes to promote Just Say No. maybe Michelle can make a cameo on South Park and go all Jillian from Biggest Loser on Cartman. Matt and Trey, I swear if you rip me off I’m suing!

9:53 Many doctors and nurses consider my system a vast improvement. OK he didn’t say “my” but whatever. Talks smack to GOP: If you have a better way to fix it, let me know! Let’s get it done! Lots of dems clapping

9:54 We are in a giant fiscal hole. That’s what I’m gonna call people instead of asshole.

9:55 “Setting the record straight” on the deficit. Liots of numbers. snoozefest. I’ll look it up later. “all of this is before I walked in the door.” Feisty! Little bit of booing. I would have expected more. Come on GOP peeps, are you mellowing? I need some entertainment!

9:57 Talks about spending freeze. The federal government needs budget discipline lie regular families. If I have to enforce this discipline by veto, I will.” Ooooh Barry, I love it when you talk s/M!

9:58 This can’t be one of those Washington gimmicks that let’s us pretend to fix the problem. Some mumbojumbo about fixing Social Security. What was that you were saying about discipline?

10:00 “That’s how budgeting works.” got some laughs. I can see this becoming a catchphrase. Well, in my house at least.

10:00 “The problem is, that’s what we did for eight years.” HA!

10:02 We don’t just face a deficit of dollars, we face a deficit of trust. We need to give our people the government they deserve. Oh GOD, please, no!!! If you give us the government we deserve we are DOOMED! We are a bunch of dumbfucks!

10:03 Smackdown on the Supreme Court over the recent decision. How rude! I love it! poor Ruth bader Ginsburg is seriously shrunken down. Someone get the lady some Boniva, stat!

10:05 I didn’t think that the fact of my election would bring harmony. Subtext: So please stop refering to me as a “magical negro, you fuckwads!” Stuff about working together and not being obstructionist and just generally saying “learn to play well with others, ya mooks!” People expect us to solve problems. Well EXPECT is a little lofty

10:08 Just saying no to everything is NOT leadership. We were sent here to serve people, not our ambitions.

10:09 I hate to side with teabaggers, but Pelosi does look Joker-like when she smiles. Botox is not your friend, honey.

10:10 Talking terrorism. “We’ve prohibitted torture” did NOT get any applause AT ALL. Seriously. You people ALL suck. Torture is NOT acceptable.

10:11 We will have all of our combat troops out of Iraq by the end of August. Operative word is “combat.” Nice little slippery there. We have troops in Germany, but they’re not “combat” troops. Slick.

10:13 We have a responsibility to support our soldiers when they come home” gets lots of standing ovations. Put your money where your mouths is. Apparently the First and Second Ladies are in charge of supporting military families. Fat kids and veterans. Epic WTF.

10:14 US and Russia working on a nuclear weapons treaty. How 80s. Can you make Jon Bon Jovi’s hair grow back, too?

10:16 Helping poor countries to feed themselves and fighting HIV/AIDS. Some stuff about public health abroad. We’re going to help the people of Haiti recover and rebuild. Support women marching for rights in Iran. we should be on the side of freedom and human dignity. Lots of clapping. Except for torture. No clapping for ending torture. seriously, WTF SQUARED.

10:19 employment discrimination. Hate crimes. Wants to repeal Don’t Ask don’t Tell. cut to a bunch of military guys looking uncomfortable. AWESOME. The one on the end looked down and to the left. Yeah, he’s hoping nobody asks and he doesn’t have to tell. Also, women should get equal pay for equal work. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE STILL HAVING THIS DISCUSSION IN THE 21ST FUCKING CENTURY YOU SEXIST BASTARDS!

10:21 Each time a CEO rewards himself for failure we lose faith. Also calls out the TV pundits for reducing serious issues to silly arguments. Put that situation in your room and smoke it, Blitzer!

10:23 Campaigned on change, but I didn’t say it would be easy. Well, DUH! Although he looks so damn earnest I feel bad going duh at him. Is it wrong I want to pinch the president’s cheeks? and why aren’t Sasha and Malia there. What could be more educational that watching your dad do the State of the Union Address? Although I guess a dad probably wouldn’t want to get booed

10:25 I bet that story about the kid who sent him his allowance to the President to send to Haiti is made up BS. Otherwise he would have been in the audience and gotten a shout-out by name. Sleepy looking old guy in the audience with a big ass sore on his lip. YUCK.

10:26 “I don’t quit.” Subtext: BITE ME!

10:27 It’s over. Blitzer is analyzing. Then throws it back to eavesdrop on the people shaking Obama’s hand as he exits. Large black lady wearing banana yellow suit. I don’t care what color you are, you should NEVER wear a banana yellow suit. EVER. Especially if you’re a larger lady.

10:30 Signing an autograph. Analyst is saying that there was no booing. Apparently I identified “groaning” as “booing” but whatever. I do this for free and you get what you pay for!

10:32 I think I’m gonna do the Republican response. Is this Howdy-Doody-looking yahoo chewing gum?

10:36 Shout out to his twin sons in the audience

10:37 One in ten Americans is unemployed. Yeah, buster, not to mention the ones who are off unemployment, the ones that are underemployed (like me) and the ones

10:38 “taxation, regulation, and litigation” GOP haiku. I love it!

10:38 Quoting Jefferson or Franklin or somebody. Probably out of context. Gotta remember to look it up.

10:39 we want results, not rhetoric. we want cooperation, not partisanship.” UM, SO STOP BEING UNCOOPERATIVE DOUCHEBAGS. Uh-oh. I’m gonna get some angry emails…

10:40 They have their ideas posted on solutions.gop.gov. And “We welcome your ideas on Facebook and Twitter.” Oh. Snap.

10:41 Now is the time for innovative energy solutions… such as???

10:42 A child’s educational opportunities should be determined by HER intellect and not HER zip code. HER. Nice.

10:45 Free choice…Federalism…Proper role of government…Top-down decision making bad…Bullet points…Scripture quotation…Thanks for donating to Haiti…HUH?…Liberty…Opportunity. All platitudes, no substance. But the teabaggers will eat it up.

10:48 Husband reads a tweet about the “strategically placed Black and Asian bookends behind him. I would have noticed if I could type without looking down at the keys. All I gotta say is why no Hispanic? Why no wheelchair person? Come on GOP, what happened to the big tent?

10:50 OK, it’s over. Husband says he is going to bed and nver mind the tequila lime chicken. But if I get up right now, I know he’ll eat it. So this concludes this year’s SOTU Live Blog. Enjoy your quality time with Blitzer, or whoever. Peace!

Algebra for Fat People

Here’s something that boggles my mind. We’ve all heard the riddle: Which weighs more — a pound of feathers or a pound of lead? The answer, of course, is that they weigh exactly the same thing — one pound. So… how come two ounces of potato chips will make you heavier than 2 pounds of lettuce?

Sigh. It’s all so unfair.

I may be fat, but you’re ugly (and you have frizzy hair)

Q: What do you call someone who looks down on and makes nasty comments about African Americans?

A: A Racist.

Q: What do you call someone who looks down on and makes nasty comments about Jews?

A: An anti-semite.

Q: What do you call someone who looks down on and makes nasty comments about homosexuals?

A: A homophobe.

Q: What do you call someone who looks down on and makes nasty comments about fat people?

A: Catherine.

The “notice a theme” link is down; the owner of the picture has made it private. But if you look at other pictures from the event, you will see people of all shapes and sizes having a good time. You will also notice none of them seem to be really stuffing their faces. Yes, there are large amounts of food (or “boiling fat and blood” as Catty Cathy puts it), but it’s also a pretty big crowd, and we all know that running out of food at a food party is a big faux pas.

But projecting your issues on someone else is a bigger faux pas. And that’s exactly what this blogger did. It only takes a little reading between the lines to figure out that Catherine has food issues. Most fat-bashers do. The naturally skinny people I know don’t go around deriding overweight people, or whining about how it’s hard work to stay thin. They don’t deprive themselves and they aren’t slaves to the gym — they eat what they want and are either blessed with better metabolisms, or smaller appetites, or coping mechanisms that preclude stress eating. No one is arguing that there is a direct correlation between eating too much (or moving too little) and weight gain. But anyone who believes that these are the only factors is just plain ignorant. Don’t believe me? There are people struggling to gain weight, that will tell you it takes more than packing it in to pack on the pounds.

Of course, I can’t really blame her for going after the fatties. Overweight people are an easy target. It’s not cool to go around saying “That’s so gay” or calling people retards.  But it’s still open season on fatties because they have no one to blame but themselves, right? And besides, they can take a joke, can’t they, seeing as how they’re so darn jolly.

But here’s what I do blame her for:

1. Taking a single picture out of context to support a hateful rant (and make no mistake, she was spewing hate as surely as if she dropped an N-bomb or used Jew as a verb.

2. Not coming clean about how her own struggles with food (and her vegetarianism) helped shape her hateful rant.

3. Claiming she wishes Taco Tammy well in her business endeavor after accusing her of serving “nauseatingly nasty shit.” Hypocrite much?

4. That appalling picture at the top of her post (real subtle way of letting overweight people know that you don’t see them as people but as ambulant blobs of lard).

5. That appalling picture of what I can only assume is her own ass at the top of her other blog. If you’re such a bad-ass that you want to tell your commenters to kiss your ass, why don’t you do it on the original blog?

And by the way, she may be a bitch, but she doesn’t look that skinny to me.

Sarah Palin Cuts and Runs

Sarah Palin an idiot. She’s going to run for president, and if I were her opponent in the primaries, I’d be like “Mrs. Palin, you quit your job in Alaska because you didn’t want to be a lame duck. You put your pride before your commitment to the people of Alaska. So why should Americans trust you to keep your commitment as president.” I’d hammer that point in every commercial. “When the going gets tough, Palin quits. You can’t trust a quitter to be president.” I think this is the dumbest thing she has ever done, and that’s saying quite a lot. And to try to pin it on her kids after she’s gone on and on about how it’s discriminatory to imply that she can’t do the job because of her 12 kids, that’s an insult to all working mothers.

A Palin aide is saying she actually quit because all the Freedom of Information requests, ostensibly made by potential opponents, were costing Alaska too much money. The problem with that argument is that even after she leaves office, the state will still have to comply with FOIA requests; stepping down doesn’t cancel out her record anymore than quitting your job makes your personnel file disappear.And the whole “everybody picks on me” thing is getting really old. They’re not out to get you because you’re a lady, sweetie, or even a conservative lady. They’re out to get you because you ran for the second highest office in the land and for some inexplicable reason you’re considered a viable candidate for the presidency. If you wanna run with the big boys, you need to learn to take it like a man.

The non-SOTU SOTU

OK. I’ve been lazy. Haven’t posted in forever. So rather than do the cliche sorry I haven’t blogged” apology, I’m going to amuse you with my first attempt at live blogging.

OK, so the cabinet is being introduced. Hil is working it in a red pant suit. Where is Ryan Seacrest? I want to know who she’s wearing! There’s a bunch of guys in boring suits behind her. Somebody should hire Mickey Rourke’s stylist. These dudes are appointed, so what’s the worst that could happen?

OK, I’m not loving the white and red striped tie. Makes me think of a candy cane. Michelle looks fab though. And no, I’m not gonna spend the whole night critiqueing the fashion, but he hasn’t started talking yet, so chill, people!

9:13 Just realized that I should put the time in front so it looks more livebloggy and professional. Also, gotta remember to not start every comment with “OK.”

9:15 Goes up to the mic and says thank you.

9:16 They finally settle down. Pelosi introduces him. They go nuts again for almost another minute. Then they go semi-nuts for Michelle.

9:18 Starts with the economy. Syas if you haven’t been affected, you know someone who has. Amen. On both counts. “We will rebuild” makes me think of hurricanes. Yeah, that’s about right.

9:20 “Hardest working people on earth.” Um, yeah because we don’t get enough vacation time.  Lots of other countries are highly productive and offer weeks of vacation.

9:23 I don’t believe in bigger government. I think a lot of people would disagree with that. Mentions passing the stim. The crowd goes nuts. Except for REPs, they just sit on their ass. How apropos.

9:25 Mentions tax cut and husband says “Yeah, $12 a week.” Excuse me, mister, you’re supposed to be on Team Obama. And like I’ve said to countless others, if you don’t want an extra 12 bucks a week, I’ll gladly accept yours.

9:26 Re Biden: “Nobody messes with Joe!”

9:28 Creating a new lending fund for cars, homes, college and entrepreneurs to keep the economy going. Re-fi program for those dealing with declining home values. Isn’t that EVERYONE here in Florida?

9:30 Don’t want to harp on fashion, but Nancy, baby, you don’t wear a necklace with that neckline. Also that jacket makes you look tubby. Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

9:31 Still talking about how bankers need to stop being giant money-wasting tools. Lieberman looks constipated. What else is new?

9:33 I know how unpopular it is to help banks right now… My job is to solve the problem, govern with a sense of resposibility…I will do whatever it take to help small business pay their workers and families buy homes. Crowd goes semi-nuts.

9:36 Cut to some guy that looks like Stephen Colbert, but isn’t.

9:37 Talking about the New Deal and how the gov’t didn’t supplant private enterprise and created a big middle class and the crowd went nuts.

9:38 My dinner is getting cold. Liveblogging is hard.

9:39 Talking energy. Our plug-in hybrids run on Korean batteries. It’s time for america to lead again. Even the REPs get up for that one. Do you really want to be the guy caught sitting, while everyone’s giving America a standing-O.

9:41 Auto industry shouldnn’t be protected from their own bad practice…I believe the nation that invented the automobile cannot walk away from it. Um, yeah, but it wouldn’t hurt if we took the bus. Energy efficiency, ya know?

9:43 Talking healthcare reform now. Cut to a blonde lady in a fabulous light blue suit. Is that a tiny Israeli flag on her lapel? Whatever, she looks FAB. Yeah, I know, less fashion, more Obama.

9:44 Need a cure for cancer in our time. Largest investment ever in preventive care.Does that mean I get a free gym membership?

9:45 We must have quality affordable health care for every American. Healthcare reform cannot wait, and WILL NOT WAIT another year. Husband with the flu coughs loudly. Unintentionally hilarious, but I don’t laugh.

9:46 Countries that out-teach us today will out-compete us tomorrow. If I was a teacher I would SOOO make that my sig. And put it on a bumper sticker.

9:48 Tonight I ask every American to commit to at least one year of post high school education. Dropping out is quitting on your country. Funny-looking redhead guy clapping.

9:49 Wants us to go back to having the highest percentage of college grads of any country. Yeah, it’s a good thing I have a degree, if I didn’t I’d probably be working in a store for less than $10 an hour. Oh wait.

9:50 Name-checks Teddy K. Crowd goes nuts.

9:51 I’m gonna google a copy of the speech, because I’m missing stuff as I type.

9:52 “…the deficit we inherited..” got a huge laugh. This is what passes for comedy in the House. Oy vey!

9:54 Eliminate no-bid contracts that wasted $$$$$ in Iraq and end tax breaks for corps who ship our jobs oversees. Mu husband claps. I work in retail, my job can’t be shipped oversees. It can be cut (God forbid), but it can’t be shipped. I guess I’m better off than I realized.

9:56 Talkin’ tax cuts for people who make under $250,000. Presente!

9:56 Honest budget will account for stuff we left off the books before. Like, oh, I don’t know the IRAQ WAR! I still can’t believe they were pulling that scam. That’s like applying for a mortgage and overstating your income and ending up with a house you can’t afford. But, I guess it’s OK when the government does it.

9:57 Not sure what he just said, but McCain got up. But he didn’t look happy about it. Getting up, I mean.

9:59 Wants to gives our soldiers a raise. Here, here!

10:00 THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA DOES NOT TORTURE!!!! And now it’s actually true!

10:02 Cut to Sully. Sully ROCKS!!! And he looks quite smart in a pilot’s uniform by US Airways.

10:03 Shout out to Leonard Abess, repping the 305!!! Bienvenido a Miami!

10:06 Ty’Sheoma Bethea looks like a sweet kid, and probably wise beyond her years. She looks like a mini-adult.

10: 06 My food is ice cold now. I’ll probably nuke it before the Republican response. Yeah, I know you don’t really care.

10:09 Thank you, God bless you and may God bless the United States of America. You see, rednecks, he did NOT say Allah Akbar. Can you chill out now? Pretty please!

10:10 Wolf and Anderson Cooper are chatting it up. And John King, but he doesn’t amuse me like Wolf, or my boyfriend the Coop!

10:12 David Gergen (sp?) is mumbling again. He’s the Horation Caine of CNN. Dude, you’re on TV!

10:14 Apparently some members of Congress were tweeting on their blackberries. Rude much?

10:15 Roland is comparing Obama to Kanye. Racist! Ha, just kidding. Coop makes a lame Fiddy joke. And now I’m a little less in love with him… OK, I’m over it! Call me, Anderson!

10:17 Some guy wants to play golf with Obama. O says his golf is terrible. Um, it’s probably better than your bowling, dude. I mean Mister President, dude.

10:19 Extreme close up of the inside of some guy’s ear. For the first time I thank God I don’t have an HD big screen TV. Now there’s a bunch of cute girls crowding around Obama. Probably interns wanting to discuss his “stimulus package.” Yeah, I know that was lame.

10:20 Commercials! Time to heat up my chicken tikka masala in time for Bobby Jindal. I swear I didn’t do that on purpose!

10:25 Jindal is on. Happy Mardi Gras! Makes lame “pre-existing condition joke” and says “lucky for me” his parents never missed a payment. Yeah, like the OB/GYN would repo a kid! They should send his speech writer to GITMO.

10:27 Where we agree REPs should be the President’s strongest partners. Yeah, I’ll be waiting for that. Don’t worry if I turn blue, I’m one of the lucky ones with health insurance.

10:28 Was that Katrina story supposed to be heart-warming?

10:29 The way to lead is not to raise taxes…it’s by empowering YOU the American people.

10:30 THERE IS NO TRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10:30 Husband points out they’re not offering solutions either.

10:31 If it can be done in Baton Rouge, it can be done in DC. I don’t know who should be more offended by that statement.

10:32 We believe in health care for everybody, just not government run. Doctors and patients should make decisions. Unless that decision involves abortion, I’m assuming.

10:33 We need to bring transparency to DC. You mean like including the cost of Iraq in the budget. Pot — meet kettle! Also rips Congress for not reading the stim bill. Yeah, like they read the Patriot Act?

10:35 Empower individuals and small businesses. I swear this is like the 20hundredth time I’ve heard this. Our party is determined to regain your trust. Good luck with that!

10:36 Don’t let anyone tell us we cannot recover. Um, who said that? And he says we emerged from the Great Depression. Hmmm, wonder who did that. The most, the biggest, the best… he forgot the most beautiful, sexiest, most talented, and well-endowed.

10:38 Um, that was fast. Is that all there is? So I’m thinking the powers that be at GOP headquarters sat around deciding which not-a-white-guy was going to deliver it. The guy seems enough, but first Michael Steele, now Jindal… it’s gonna suck to be an old white guy in the GOP for the next four years. Just sayin’.

10:43 The Coop will be crunching numbers. Oh, baby!

10:44 That’s it. Liveblogging is over. I have to go re-reheat my dinner now.

Has it really been two months?

I’m sure my regular readers (all, um, eight? of you) have probably been wondering what the hell happened. The short answer is I REALLY didn’t want this to turn into a political blog, and lately politics has been at the top of my mind. So I avoided posting. But now I am officially over it. Yes, I voted. But I’d be lying if I said I was enthusiastic. I hope my candidate wins, and I certainly don’t think his presidency will be a disaster as the opposition insists, but I also don’t think it’s going to be the AWESOMEST. PRESIDENCY. EVER. I’m less excited for my candidate than I am excited AGAINST his opponent. Which is pretty sad. In fact, this is the first time I’ve even mentioned it to anyone other than my husband or my mother. And for what it’s worth, I’m not even that my guy’s going to win. Plenty of state polls are within the margin of error, especially if you throw “undecideds” into the mix. If you don’t think this election could go either way, you’re fooling yourself, as far as I’m concerend. Who knows, maybe I’ll move to Scotland and open a Cuban restaurant regardless of who wins…

Six Random Things

My long-time internet buddy Pervwilliger tagged me on his Six Random Things post, and although this meme bears a striking similarity to those chain MySpace bulletins, I’m still gonna do it because I feel kind of like I was invited to sit at the cool kids’ table of the blogosphere.

First, the random rules (hat tip to edu-flack and cool-cat Bob LeDrew, who tipped his hat to Connie Crosby):

• Link to the person who tagged you.
• Post the rules on the blog.
• Write six random things about yourself.
• Tag six people at the end of your post.
• Let each person know they have been tagged.
• Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

OK, so here goes:

1. I’m still waiting for someone to nominate me for the Hot Blogger Calendar. Seriously. I’m not just pimping it for shits and giggles. I will be VERY disappointed if I’m not at least nominated. Seriously.
2. When I was a kid, I quit ballet because they re-scheduled the class for Saturday mornings and it conflicted with my cartoons. I can’t remember what cockamamie excuse I gave my mom, because I’m pretty certain she would not have let me quit ballet for the Smurfs.
3. I refuse to clean the litter box. That’s my husband’s job. I used to do it when I was single, but now I have a husband. This arrangement infuriates him, but I don’t care. I refuse to clean the litter box.
4. When I auditioned for Who Wants to Be a Millionaire a couple of years ago, a photographer took a candid picture of some of us and it came out in the Sun Sentinel. I saw the picture online and it was such a bad picture of me I never told anyone.
5. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. No, really.
6. You know those airbrushed vans with like wizards and topless chicks? My dream car in high school was an pink Suzuki Samurai with an airbrushed portrait of Jon Bon Jovi on the hood. Specifically this picture:

The second hottest man on earth. After my husband. I typed that with a straight face. Almost.

And now for my victims: Robyne, because she’s still one of the cool kids. Suasoria, because she’s one of the smartest people I know. Lola Granola because her ass-print story made me damn near pee my pants. Amy Hennessey because she’s my Hawaiian homey. Ashia because she’s been in People magazine, so it’s almost like tagging Britney. Chris Faile because I had forgotten how amusing he could be.

Beware of dirty cops bearing sex toys

Few things get me as riled up as people butting into others’ sex lives. Denying people the right to marry because some people think what they do is too naughty is not good public policy in my book. Writing off politicians with good ideas because they screw around on their wives … well that leaves me uncharacteristically speechless.

What really gets me about this stuff is that it usually comes with an unhealthy dose of hypocrisy. The congressman who votes against gay rights gets busted cruising for guys at an airport bathroom. The pundits who bitch about John Edwards screwing around on his cancer-stricken wife don’t have much to say about John McCain cheating on and dumping his first wife, a woman who kept her own devastating accident a secret from McCain while he was a POW in order not to make his terrible situation even more stressful.

And then there’s Texas. A state so committed to its sodomy law it took the US Supreme Court to tell them to mind it’s own beeswax. A state so committed to dictating what its citizens may not do in their own bedrooms that it confiscated $50,000 worth of sex toys from an adult store in Houston. So where does the hypocrisy come in? Well it seems the 564 pleasure props sprouted little legs and walked out of the evidence room. Of course the official explanation is that they were destroyed. Never mind the fact that there is no court order authorizing the police to do that. Never mind that Houston police managed to “misplace” 30 guns a couple of months earlier after people with criminal records gained access to the property room.

But the biggest highlight of what is already a highlight-rich story is this quote from UT law professor Richard Segura, who claims the cops are under no obligation to safeguard the confiscated items:

“If I go over to your house and spend the night there and leave my shoes, can I expect my shoes to be there three years later?” he said. “What is the police department going to do with a bunch of (sex toys) … keep them?”

Apparently, Mr. Segura is under the impression that the owners of Adult Video Megaplexxx came over to the police station with a truckload of vibrators, dildoes, butt plugs, maybe an inflatable sheep, some Comfy Cuffs and a pocket pussy, hung out for a while, and then went home forgetting to take their goodies with them. What actually happened is that Houston police raided Adult Video Megaplexxx, removed the goodies in question, then failed to return said goodies when the case was over. Even though there’s all sorts of stuff in the Constitution about not depriving people of property without due process of law. But then it seems that Mr. Segura’s inability to come up with an adequate analogy is rivaled only by his tenuous grasp of the law.

Dear Brett Favre

You are cordially invited to go fornicate yourself. I know you never wanted to come to Tampa. I know you’re scared of the heat. I’ll admit the heat sucks, but we have little kids that run around playing sports and hardly any of them have ever melted. I can’t really say I blame you though, because if given the choice between living in Tampa and New York City, my bags would have been packed two weeks ago. So that’s cool. But I’m pretty sure you just used us to get more money out of the Jets (and also because you are a giant attention whore). And that is so NOT cool. Oh, and don’t worry too much about us, we have like 12 other quarterbacks and some of them are actually pretty good.

Sincerely, Estela

P.S. Why exactly do you pronounce your name farv? You do realize that the R comes after the V, right? I’m sure your French ancestors are spinning in their graves.

Brett Favre is a douchebag.

Why your church is safe from gay marriage

I saw the following quote in a Facebook group and it made me realize that a lot of people opposed to same-sex marriage may be basing their opinion on an insidious lie:

Another issue that was raised was that some Christian folks felt betrayed by their government, and they wondered why it was bad for the government to outlaw homosexuality yet it was alright for the government to order their churches to perform marriages that were(in their interpretation) deemed abominations in God’s eyes.

This is simply NOT TRUE. The government cannot ORDER churches do anything, due to the separation of church and state. Even today, a church can refuse to marry a couple for any reason it sees fit. Most Catholic churches will not marry you if one of the parties is divorced, for example, and some churches will not perform the ceremony unless both parties are confirmed Catholics (although some only require both parties be baptized). I have also seen evangelical churches refuse to marry couples “living in sin” unless one of the parties moved out.

A church’s prerogative to refuse to marry a couple is simply not an issue when discussing the legalization of gay marriage because marriage in our country is a secular institution. Yes, churches perform legally valid marriages, but a church wedding without a marriage license is legally meaningless (trust me, I know people who have done this). It is the CIVIL marriage which is legally binding and which confers myriad rights and responsibilities on the parties involved. This is why many liberal churches can perform “commitment ceremonies” for gay couples in states where same-sex marriage is not legal — because the government CANNOT tell a church who it may (or may NOT, in this case) unite in the eyes of God.

So if your main concern about legalizing same-sex marriage is that your church will be forced to condone or embrace homosexuality, rest assured this will NEVER happen. Anyone who tries to convince you otherwise, whether it’s a TV pundit, priest, parent, or self-proclaimed “Christian leader” is either LYING to you or is so uneducated about the laws and history of this country as to make his or her opinion irrelevant.

Some other day I will tackle the topic “Why legalizing same-sex marriage will not lead to people marrying their pets” and attempt to disprove the myth that all lesbians are fat.